About Russia,England,Canada,America and Japan.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ Worried sick about his dear friend, Kiku decided to personally visit him ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( I've heard that we're allowed to actually go inside his subconcious and meet him there...somewhere... )

<England-UK-GB> (oh? company?)

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ Seeing a doctor pass by, he approaches him for help ] Excuse me...I'm a friend of Arthur-san's. Is it okay if I can enter his mind right now?

<England-UK-GB> Doctor: I see. please follow me.

<England-UK-GB> Doctor: this machine here, is what will let you go in. you'll be here physically, but mentally you will be with him

<England-UK-GB> Doctor: the machine will take over from there.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he sits down on a nearby chair and slowly places the wire in his ear*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *closes his eyes*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ Suddenly, he gets this sinking feeling in gut, as if he was falling ]


<England-UK-GB> ..hm....someone is coming.

<England-UK-GB> [he sets out a cup that appears from thin air and pours some warm tea into it]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ Then, when he opened his eyes, he was facedown on the grass ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he quickly sits up and looks around*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( ...eh? I'm guessing this is his subconcious...? )

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *slowly, he stands up, but stumbles a little*

<England-UK-GB> Well, Kiku. I did not expect to see you here.

<England-UK-GB> *he watches from his chair where he's sat*

<England-UK-GB> Care for some tea?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he mutters to himself* Seriously...they could have made the ride a little more pleasant....

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he snaps his head too the direction of his voice*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Ah, Arthur-san! You're really here!

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *walks over to where he was* Sure, I'd love to.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *sits down on the seat across from here*

<England-UK-GB> Here? Well...I'm unsure as to where here is.

<England-UK-GB> *passes kiku a cup of tea*

<England-UK-GB> Im not alive, but I'm not dead either.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( ...me either, actually... )

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ Nods as a thanks and takes the cup, sipping it a little ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I see...this is a really peculiar place..

<England-UK-GB> *he looks around*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Even if you're not alive or dead, I am still pleased that I am able to talk to you.

<England-UK-GB> Its the medow where I spent my youth. so perhaps we are in my head? im unsure.

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles a little*

<England-UK-GB> And the feeling is mutal I assure you.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *tilts his head a little* ( So this is where he spent his childhood...hm. )

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he gives a smile back as he sips his tea again*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *trying to sound as discrete as possible* So...how have you been, Arthur-san...?

<England-UK-GB> *he chuckles a little*

<England-UK-GB> Only you, kiku, would ask a man who commited suicide how they have been.

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles fondly*

<England-UK-GB> ...I suppose I am feeling rather cowardly...

<England-UK-GB> It is not ones wish to have...gone to such measures..but I had little choice.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( Ah....right, I knew I should have asked it in a different way! ) *nods a little* Hm.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I would not blame you though, it was not your fault...you were being pressured..

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *sips his tea*

<England-UK-GB> *he sighs a little*

<England-UK-GB> It is not easy..

<England-UK-GB> *sips his tea*

<England-UK-GB> loving four people.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He sighs sympathetically, worrying for his friend ]

<England-UK-GB> Humans who looked at that scene would think me greedy or perhaps lustful but it is not the case..I cannot just place all my attention on russia alone, If I did, my people and my queen would be vunerable to attack and ignorant of the histories we have all endured.

<England-UK-GB> It is natural that I have chosen the love the people I do.

<England-UK-GB> *closes his eyes*

<England-UK-GB> Like Alfred and Matthew. Our pasts are so closely intertwined as I raised them for a while...then of course, there is our dear friendship and Ivan...

<England-UK-GB> My heart simply cannot handle being torn in so many directions.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He did not exactly know how to respond to this, nor does he know how to help him either, so he lets a moment of silence pass by, trying to work his words together ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> (( And nor can his admin.; so deep ;A; ))

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I can never....imagine the pain you're suffering through. Life has it's cruel, twisted ways of shaping our souls and our feelings...

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> If it is your choice, than be it that you follow it. However.... *his tone goes a little low* do you think it is wise...?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I apologize if this offends you in any way, but...

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Don't you think that you're being a little too kind about sharing your love with others? Being a little too generous?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I respect your choice....it is only my view of it though.

<England-UK-GB> being too kind?

<England-UK-GB> *he looks at Kiku*

<England-UK-GB> Please do explain.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( Explain.. ) *gently sets his tea cup down*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Well...I really do understand that you want to love all of us, and I deeply appreciate it.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Although, if you can't love each and everyone of us equally or it is simply too hard, then it is not your fault.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Sometimes....do not blame yourself. If you open your eyes....you will find that it may actually be ours.

<England-UK-GB> How can it possibly be the fault of you, or even the others?

<England-UK-GB> *he reaches over and places his hand on kiku's shoulder*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> There are so many other people to love. Of course, you can love us too, but....it does not have to be in the same way...

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Love, the special and fragile kind, is something meant to be shared with one person and one person only.

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles sadly and nods*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Because if you expand that type of love with other people...

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *his gaze falters*

<England-UK-GB> Right there. That, is the issue I am suffering with.

<England-UK-GB> ...

<England-UK-GB> *he looks out over the medow*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( Then, like you said, it is just too much too handle... ) . . .

<England-UK-GB> It is hard to be alive.

<England-UK-GB> I feel, for the moment it is perhaps better this way.

<England-UK-GB> Call me selfish if you will. *chuckles a little*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> . . .

<England-UK-GB> I don't regret my kisses with you, alfred or Matthew..

<England-UK-GB> and mostly....I do not regret my Marriage with Russia..even if he was ignorant to play such a cruel trick on me.

<England-UK-GB> *he looks at kiku*

<England-UK-GB> Tell me, Kiku.

<England-UK-GB> Could we all be happy any other way?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He thinks back at the man's statement, trying to mull over for his answer ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> It is very difficult for one to achieve, but... *he looks at him with a gentle eye contact* it is possible.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> It is very possible.

<England-UK-GB> ....pray tell.

<England-UK-GB> (surely, it is impossible)

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> . . . [ Perhaps this might be one of the hardest problems Kiku ever had to face ]


<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He knew the answer, but it was just hard to explain ]


<HondaKiku-Hetalia> When you said...."happy any other way" I saw it right through, but with my own perspective...I wish to be a little more positive about.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Like I said, it is possible, but..

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Seeing as how we are nations, it is all different.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> We are somewhat people too, but to be burdened with this kind of life...it makes everything a little hard to explain.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *chuckles a little nervously*

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles kindly*

<England-UK-GB> I have thought the scenario through a million times...

<England-UK-GB> and also the consequences of different actions

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He nods in understanding ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> See, when people get really down, they will have this gaping hole right on them, like something is missing in their life.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> If they cannot get what they really wish for them to achieve, then that hole will stay.

<England-UK-GB> *he nods*

<England-UK-GB> Sounds like Alfred.

<England-UK-GB> my issue was not that I wanted you all for myself, more that I would inevitably hurt someone.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *smiles a little* ( That really is Arthur-san... )

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> They can, however, do other things to start patching up that hole, instead of getting to that goal they ever so wish to get and makes the hole disappear.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I guess my only answer is...that it takes time. Time, and determination.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> And that, or so I have told before, is how we can achieve happiness.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *looks down a little*

<England-UK-GB> *he takes kikus hand in his own and holds it gently*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( I do not see exactly as do-able though... )

<England-UK-GB> hm

<England-UK-GB> to me, it seems like my life was simply not going to end happily

<England-UK-GB> ...although.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *sighs* ( I don't think my explanation helped at all in the slightest...just another cliche saying... *mental facepalm* )

<England-UK-GB> part of me wonders what would have happened had I rejected Ivan in the first place and just contented for your presence

<England-UK-GB> rather than going so far as to seek more from each of you.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *looks up in surprise*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ...Might I ask you a question, Arthur-san?

<England-UK-GB> you may ask me whatever you wish, kiku.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He nods and gulps, trying to find his voice again ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Please do answer sincerely. This is purely out of my own curiosity; I won't exactly be too affected by any answer you give.

<England-UK-GB> *he nods*

<England-UK-GB> I shall do.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *gulps again and slowly lets it out*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Out of all of us...who do you truly love the most?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> With the special and fragile type of love?


<England-UK-GB> ..I already answered this question upon my death.

<England-UK-GB> I love Alfred, I love Matthew, I love you and I utterly adore and love Ivan Braginski.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *slowly nods*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Are you...absolutely sure though? That you love your two sons, your friend, and your soulmate in all the same way?

<England-UK-GB> ...would I be here if I wasnt?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ...I guess not then.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( Again, being caught in circles... )

<England-UK-GB> but...........................

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Hm? *he tilts his head back up again*

<England-UK-GB> Ivan..

<England-UK-GB> Ivan is something else.

<England-UK-GB> *closes his eyes and holds kikus hand a little tighter*

<England-UK-GB> I did marry him after all.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> . . . *he takes in a deep breath* I understand then.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he holds his hand with his other* Then, I encourage you.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> To love him the most in a different way. If he is different, then so shall be how he is loved.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Please, I am not hurt by this. And I do hope that neither is Alfred-san or Matthew-kun.

<England-UK-GB> ..........this does not change the fact I still love three other men as well.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> This is the problem though.

<England-UK-GB> *he takes a small breath*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> You need to learn how to let it go. Ivan is that special someone that fills in your gap. Us three...will have to veer around and find a different way to patch up ours.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> That is the way life...unfortunately is.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *sighs again*
<England-UK-GB> I cannot let it go
<England-UK-GB> ...understand this,
<England-UK-GB> for a moment.
<England-UK-GB> If Ivan, were in my position. if he loved others, but chose to marry and wed me?
<England-UK-GB> ...that is the life of a nation, and I would endure it.
<England-UK-GB> I will repeat what he said, as it is my mantra.
<England-UK-GB> "It is impossible for one nation, to focus on just one other nation"
<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ That right there caught him; making Japan frozen in place. He can neither move forward or back; as if he was stuck in time ]
<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He could not think of any other possible answer to counter his, as Arthur's statement was too strong to be handled by anything else should he try to throw at him ]
<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ...
<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ( Oh how I hate circles now... )
<England-UK-GB> I think sometimes we forget, we are not human. We are countries and nations.
<England-UK-GB> our duty is to get along, fight wars and forge relations with one another.
<England-UK-GB> if anything, I am doing a good job by showing my love...from my admin's pov.
<England-UK-GB> however...the human part of us...complicates everything.
<England-UK-GB> and thus, as it stands now I would be going in circles all my life.
<England-UK-GB> From what I understand, Ivan accepts that this is what we are
<England-UK-GB> and embraces these extra relationships.
<England-UK-GB> I am at peace with that and I value his love.
<England-UK-GB> Mattie too, seems to embrace this.

<England-UK-GB> It is you and Alfred I worry about now..

<England-UK-GB> especially alfred.

<England-UK-GB> *smiles a little*

<England-UK-GB> he is rather a selfish and bratty sod.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He starts to feel a lump starting to form at his throat, but he tries to shake it off, believing of it as nothing ]

<England-UK-GB> ...

<England-UK-GB> I just wish you to be happy, Kiku.

<England-UK-GB> *holds his hand tightly*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> It is difficult...for me to be happy when I see you like this, torn apart by three others...

<England-UK-GB> then please tell me what I should do to make you smile once more?

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> If it will make you feel anymore at ease...then you may stop loving me like how you do to the others. That can be one down.

<England-UK-GB> *shakes his head*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> ...y-you don't have to though...! I-it's your choice...

<England-UK-GB> you know, from a man such as yourself. that was a ridiculous statement. As if I would ever wish to stop loving any of you.

<England-UK-GB> My love is not fickle like that.

<England-UK-GB> *smiles*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ At this point, he could have lost it, but he manages to keep his sense of calmness ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *nods*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> I do apologize then for saying such a statement. *laughs a little*


<England-UK-GB> ...............

<England-UK-GB> *he turns to face him*

<England-UK-GB> Considering, that I'm merely sat here waiting for my body to die, I would ask that you tell me anything you wish to get off your mind and chest that you could not say to me in life.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> . . . hm . . .

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He tries to search at the back of his mind if there are anything hidden there ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Well....the only real thing that I've wanted to tell you is that I completely return your feelings too, but I know I have already said that earlier....

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles a little*

<England-UK-GB> It is always wonderful to hear it though...

<England-UK-GB> *he sips his tea*

<England-UK-GB> I love you too, Kiku.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> If this will be the last time I ever see you.... *he looks at the man through his watery eyes* ....then I am proud to say that you have been the dearest man I have ever been with...and nobody else will ever replace that special spot in my heart.

<England-UK-GB> *he smiles softly and leans over as he starts fading away*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> You really have changed my life and made me look at things in ways I never would have before.

<England-UK-GB> Thank you, Kiku. I will pass on happier knowing that.


<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He gives him that one big, genuine smile again, like that one he gave back at the petting zoo... ]

<England-UK-GB> *the scenery starts fading too*


<England-UK-GB> If we ever meet again

<England-UK-GB> *now only a faded arthur remains*

<England-UK-GB> Please show me that smile again.

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he closes his eyes for a while, finally meeting true happiness yet again*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> Hai. Arthur-sama.

<England-UK-GB> *the world turns white and arthur's mind closes itself once more*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> [ He suddenly opens his eyes and finds himself in the rather small room again ] . . . *he looks at his passed out friend*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *slowly, he takes off the wire from his ear*

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> . . . [ He finally let's his tears fall once again; only at this time since he would never let Arthur see himself like this ]

<HondaKiku-Hetalia> *he slowly raises a little and gives the man a final kiss before he leaves*